I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
