Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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