Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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