he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
