my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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