Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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