Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It's never too late to be topless.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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