Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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