life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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