What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
