weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
