Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
