"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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