Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
