Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
