I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
