I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
