Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
