Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
