My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
