I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
