So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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