I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
