it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Randomize
