my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
