every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize