He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
