I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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