The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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