A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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