so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
