is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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