Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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