I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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