ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
