I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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