if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just cropdusted the office
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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