the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you would pick up someone in the library
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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