either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
