It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
