yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
