Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize