Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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