OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I wish they made helmets for livers.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
