Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
