Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
