he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
