so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
