There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
