This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
