I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
