I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
