I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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