If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
