Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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